Handshakes and Kisses

This is an old topic that we’ve faced since we’ve been here, but I’ve been thinking about it recently and finally decided to document this piece of French culture.

The French handshake is a morning ritual that everyone must participate in. The first thing you do when you get into the office is go around and shake everyone’s hand. Not literally everyone, but everyone in your group or area. French handshakes are less “shake” than “squeeze”, and you’re bound to give yourself away as an American if you give a hearty pump.

If you don’t shake hands every morning, you’re rude. So, against every instinct we might have to not interrupt people, walk into their cubes while they’re in the middle of a phone conference, or demand their attention when they’re focused on something, we have to march up and offer our hands for the morning squeeze.

If you run into someone you know who is walking with a group of people you don’t know, first you shake the hand of your associate, then go around and shake the hands of his companions. Plus “bonjour” with each. Exhausting.

And then, if you need to talk to someone at their desk, first you drop off your folder/notebook/PDA at their desk, shake hands hello, then run around and shake hands with everyone else in their group before you can return to the quick conversation you intended to have before all this shaking nonsense started.

One of the worst crimes one can commit is to shake hands with the same person twice. Because this implies that you’ve forgotten that you greeted them earlier. Which is likely, considering how many handshakes you’ve gone through that day.

Now if you know someone especially well, this is where the kissing starts. Remember, the French kiss hello is actually a brushing of both cheeks. All the lips do is make the little kissing sound that accompanies. Although for families and really really close friends there is lip-to-cheek action. And Wally says that if you like someone romantically you can make your interest clear by slipping in a little lip, but I haven’t seen that at work yet.

Most people do two kisses, one per cheek, but some do four (left-right-left-right), which I understand is becoming popular in Paris now. I’m not sure about that because I never see young people do it, usually just older ones. When I see people kissing four times it reminds me of chickens, the way they bob their heads back and forth. What an outrageous waste of time.

Crossing the line from handshake to kiss has been really difficult for me. The “handshake or kiss” dilemma is a popular subject for American writers living in France, but none can give me precise rules.

It’s harder for women because the rules of chivalry imply that the woman initiate the kiss. The men don’t want to make the women uncomfortable, so they let them decide when it starts. Unfortunately, I’m worried about making the men uncomfortable, so usually I avoid it. I know in France it’s perfectly normal to kiss platonic friends, but when I’m starting to cross that line with male colleagues, my American subconscious worries that I’m sending out The Wrong Idea.

The woman is essentially defining the relationship with her choice to kiss or not. What pressure! Shortly after I started working here I learned that a former colleague from Detroit was here as well. When I ran into him, I thrust out my hand just as he started to lean forward a bit. He quickly retracted and shook my hand. I could tell this meant to him that I didn’t consider us friends. I felt like a jerk.

I’ve started making my own rules for this problem by only kissing those who I’ve seen socially outside of work. However, some, like Guillaume, I kiss outside of work (gee, that sounds bad) but shake hands with at work. I’m not sure why, but for some reason his body language set the precedent and I went with it.

Personally, I think it’s more professional this way, but again, I don’t want to hurt feelings. I kiss my friend Irantzu’s boyfriend (this also sounds bad), who I barely know, but in this case he initiated it, probably because I thought I was a clueless American who didn’t know better. Right on.

Yesterday I ran into an awkward dilemma when I came upon two former Detroit colleagues (both French) in the hallway. Stephane I usually kiss, Alex is the aforementioned colleague I handshake. What to do? Well, I started by kissing Stephane, and when Alex offered his hand I took it, then said “aw hell” and gave him a kiss while still holding his hand. Cowboy American style, and anything but French grace.

From now on, I’m just going to have to turn and walk in the opposite direction whenever I see Alex. It’s easier.