The French Doctor

I read once that French women live longer than any other women in Western Europe. Today I learned why: obsessive preventative maintenance.

I paid a visit to my French doctor this evening for my semi-annual "exam". In the US this uncomfortable test is required only once a year, but in France it's a twice-yearly event. I swear, if I'd known that in advance, I might not have moved here.

Like I mentioned before, the doctor insisted that I receive a series of blood tests before my visit. I honestly didn't know what an OBGYN cared about my cholesterol, but she was adamant. And regular doctors don't draw blood, you have to get it done in a lab. So I had the blood drawn last week and picked up the test results yesterday. Incidentally, the labs don't open until 8 a.m., and they won't mail results-you have to pick them up- and you can imagine how something stupid like retrieving blood test results makes getting to work on time impossible. This is France.

Anyway, I didn't bother opening the envelope with the results because French lab results are completely lost on me. I think it's the metric system. The same reason why I don't react to my weight on a scale until I get home and convert it.

So I let the doctor open the results herself and felt somewhat relieved when she made approving noises as she read. Then she frowned slightly and pointed to my cholesterol level: 1.32. Yeah, I know: what the heck does that mean.

"It's a bit low" she commented. The normal range was listed as 1.63 - 2.21.

I smiled with amusement. My mom was going to be so proud.

"Do you eat everything?" she asked.

"You mean do I finish my meals?" I asked. What a silly question.

"No, are you vegetarian?"

"Oh, no. I eat everything. Meat, fish..." ice cream, chocolate....

"Well, I'm sure it's fine."

She then directed me to undress, and while I proceeded to awkwardly comply (note: no paper modesty gowns in France) she made a phone call. When she hung up she told me that she had checked with a colleague about my cholesterol, and he recommended I get my thyroid checked. It could be overacting.

"And how do I do that?" I asked.

"Ah, that's a blood test."

"I have to go back to the lab."

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

You have to be kidding me. Again? Is this why everyone in France is constantly late for stuff? They're all getting their blood tested for something or other?

Well now I know that the lab is open on Saturdays, so I guess that's where I'll be this weekend.

After I got over the thyroid thing, the doctor moved onto something else to freak me out about.

"Now that you're almost 30, I'd like to recommend another test...."

For crying out loud. Was she serious? Happy birthday to me. I got a lesson on the virus that can lead to cervical cancer, preventative maintenance if I have said virus, (which sounds even more uncomfortable), blah blah blah. Did I want the extra test? Well shoot, I'm already there, and an ounce of prevention, right? Why not.

So now I'm all uneasy, with a few weeks of waiting to see if I have an overactive thyroid, a cancer-causing virus, or any other of the bad things the regular exam could turn up.

And then when I got home and read the lab results for myself, I saw under "Interpretation" at the bottom the lab had written "Hypocholestérolémie". WHAT is THAT. You can imagine how frustrating the results of a French Google search were.

Maybe the French government should consider what all these tests and preventative measures do to their citizens' mental health. French women might live longer, but do they have nervous breakdowns more frequently???